Surrender and Apathy
When we are practicing this notion of present moment awareness there is a degree of surrender. Of letting go of our everyday narratives and identities to fall in sync with the present. I’ve questioned the idea of surrender in the difficulties of life. I believe it is a way forward through some awful circumstances and also during beautiful ones. But at what point does the notion of surrender during difficulty, turn into apathy?
They look similar.
Surrender to me means to hand over, to let go, release the grip on circumstances and the pain that they are invoking. Apathy does the same; there’s a letting go, a handing over and a release, but the quality of the inner experience is different.
How do we know which one we are experiencing?
In surrender there’s humility. A realisation that we are not in control. Perhaps for some it involves the idea of a god, deity or ancestor to which we hand over our woes and weariness. Having faith that it will be dealt with and we are not the ones who will be doing the dealing. This state arises after we have done all we can within our capacities at the time. We don’t have to reach burn out to get to surrender, although that’s common. We can surrender after we have reasonably and in good conscience, done what we believe to be our best without compromising our own health and sanity. Some sacrifice is likely to occur but not to our complete annihilation.
Apathy on the other hand is like falling through an abyss. And often does come about through the experience of annihilation. There’s no landing, no ground to rest, just falling. A loss of hope or even care that anything can be different. This is a danger zone. There’s no blame in getting here though. Life is sometime relentless in it’s blows and we don’t choose to feel apathetic. It happens. It’s profoundly disconnecting from our external world and those who are in it.
Apathy is not necessarily ‘bad’ though.
In the words of Viktor Frankl, apathy is a necessary mechanism of self protection. It enables a disconnection between us and our emotional life. It turns us into a being of survival where circumstances, either internal or external are simply too much to bare. This blunting of emotions can keep us alive and functioning. The trouble comes when we get stuck here.
In surrender there’s an openness to something bigger than ourselves. In apathy there’s an involution where it seems that there’s nothing other than our own empty state of numbness, weariness and isolation.
One of the great texts of yoga, the Bhagavad Gita, holds surrender in upmost esteem. The main character Arjuna is tutored by Krishna (God) to surrender all. Absolutely everything can inwardly be surrendered upwards, releasing us from the burden of trying to figure everything out. Such wisdom, yet it doesn’t absolve us from responsibility. It teaches us to do our part, live our lives true to ourselves and let go of the outcomes. Whatever happens is not fully in our control.
I’ve experienced both surrender and apathy. If you are in apathy, I feel you! There are times where I have been clouded over by this deeply disempowering emotion. The falling can seem very real. The first thing I do is take it to my mat. I go to yoga and meditation. But there’s a risk of becoming more insular if I stay here too long.
I’ve found that reaching out to talk is the best help. To do this though, I need a safe space. A place that someone dear can hold and be the witness to, without putting a smiley face on it. Connecting with nature can also afford me the felt sense of being held or of being part of something larger than my limited experience. The profound healing of connecting with nature can not be underestimated. It’s helped me reorient my perspective outside of myself and my limited way of thinking - which usually involves berating myself for feeling a certain way or trying to figure out something impossible, like how someone else is feeling.
In surrender we let go but keep moving on the current of emotions and circumstances in our evolving lives. We can still be inspired to action from this place of surrender. We can still receive inspiration and inner guidance. No book, website, guru, therapist has the answers, they can only point you to look in the direction of your own true north. If you just turn your head to look in the right direction, some light will speak to your heart and tell you your next right step.
